#it's been a weird few weeks with my physical health and i think one of the main things that led me to my realizations are these fics

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[astradyke]

i don't get very personal on this blog because vulnerability is tricky and being vulnerable on the internet is infinitely trickier, and also this is a dan and phil blog, so this obviously hasn't come up but i've been having life realizations that have explained my affinity towards phanfictions that talk about chronic pain. i'm going to link three i like:

broken porcelain (put me back together baby) by tarredion

flares (and assorted series fics) by huphilpuffs (unfinished but all time favorite)

must have been the wind by dvp_95

but also like. dunno. this is a post for another day but... i really do appreciate how candidly dan and phil talk about their physical health. i'm not chronically ill (though that's maybe in question rn) nor do i have the specific experiences they do, but their openness about their physical health-- even if it might be societally "taboo"-- is so important for so many people and i'm realizing rapidly that i'm one of those people it has impacted so much. when i think about it i feel less like... scared, about falling in love someday while carrying all my own bullshit with physical health issues, because i see how the two of them support each other through their experiences.

all of the above fics are alternate universes -- the first and last i believe just refer to unspecified chronic pain (i might be wrong i haven't reread them in the last weeks or so) but the middle one is specifically about fibromalaygia-- but still, i dunno. dan and phil as creators but also fic writers have really affected me in a way that i think is like... going to do a lot of good. okay that's my midnight talk thanks. <3

[pineconepie]

Platonic yandere doctor? Like he’s had his little for a while but he’s just fed up with them trying to leave so he uses a more permanent solution to the problem of them trying to run away (take that as you will)

I hope this is good!! Its slightly different than what you asked, but if people want I cand make a part two of them trying to escape!

TW: Platonic/parental yandere, drugging, gaslighting, kidnapping, infantilization, slight ableism(?), psychiatric wards

...

You've been seeing Dr. Warren as your doctor for... wow, how long has it been? Several years now. He's always been a kind guy, and sometimes he'd break past that overly polite, professional demeanor and let his soft spot for you shine through.

You liked that about him.

Sometimes, when there wasn't anybody in the waiting room but you two, he would kneel down to give you a little toy while you waited, usually one of those plastic eggs filled with surprise toys or jingling keys or something like that.

You always thought it was a little strange how the doctor was giving you children's toys, but you tried not to overthink it.

There were some other weird things you tried to overlook, but recently it was getting harder to do so.

Warren would always prescribe you medications for all kinds of things, and every single one of them made your mind feel numb. Like static, almost.

Your appointments became very regular, as well. At least once a week, even if nothing felt wrong.

And he'd give you a little plastic medicine bottle filled with gummy vitamins every time you went in.

You started to notice how instead of actually checking your health, he'd cuddle by your side and just ask how your day went, almost acting more like an over-caring therapist... which, he did technically have his degree in both psychology and medicine, but still, the lack of any medical care was suspicious, especially coming from the usually very professional doctor.

"Um, Doctor Warren?" you nervously ask, fiddling with the toy he gave you today, a little green caterpillar with bright colors on its back.

"Hm? What is it?" he asks while marking a few things off on his clipboard.

"Well, uh..." you swallow down a lump in your throat as you work up the courage to ask this. "I've noticed that our sessions lately haven't been productive. And the medications you give me make me worse. I wasn't even having a lot of issues until I started taking them. It's like they just make my mind foggy... and I always feel so sleepy, and my coordination is off..."

"Those are just the side effects," he reassures. "That's why I wanted you to come see me regularly; to track any changes or side effects."

"But I don't think the side effects are worth it. And these constant check-ups are annoying, no offense," you mutter.

"None taken," he says calmly. "The check-ups are for your benefit."

"Yeah, but..." You rub the nape of your neck. "I think I want to see a different doctor... if that's okay."

Suddenly, the warm aura radiating from him grows cold as the man glares at you, dark eyes sending a chill down your spine.

"Do you trust other doctors more than me?" His voice comes out icy, stinging you like cold water.

Your heart pounds. You open your mouth to speak, only to be interrupted again.

"(Y/n). You're mentally and physically ill. Your judgement is too clouded by your conditions that you can't recognize proper care. I'm trying to help you get better. Can't you see that?" He runs a hand through his hair. "You need constant monitoring, love. I'd consider yourself lucky I haven't put you in inpatient care." His expression changes, like a light bulb goes off in his head. "Actually, would you prefer that?"

"No, of course not!" you cry out. "Please don't-"

"Why shouldn't I? It's for your own safety," he says matter-of-factly. "You can't even tell what's good or bad for you. Your condition is worsening."

"Because of the medication," you retort.

"That's just the side effects. I explained this already."

"Why would medicine that's supposed to cure me make me worse?!" you yell. Tears well up in your eyes. "Why won't you listen to me?!"

He looks like a parent dealing with their crying toddler; confused yet confident they'll get over it eventually. "Hmm... I think you need a nap."

"A nap? What, am I in timeout now?" You fold your arms across your chest like a pouting child, realizing a little too late how funny the doctor probably finds the gesture.

Warren gets out some medical supplies: a needle and a vial. Filling the syringe with a clear liquid from the small container, he turns towards you and grins menacingly. "This'll only take a moment..."

Before you can stand up and try to run away, he plunges the needle into your arm.

You cry out and flinch away, but not before all of the syringe's contents empty inside you. He holds you against him, shushing softly in your ear as you sob until suddenly your eyelids grow heavy.

He keeps you firmly tucked in his grip, and you find that you're unable to move, paralyzed by whatever substance he injected into you.

As soon as he sees you drifting off, he lies you on the bed and rushes out, yelling something that sounds too far away to hear.

...

When you wake up, you see white walls all around you. Blinking your eyes, you look down at your clothes to see an outfit totally different from what you had been wearing when you were in Warren's office. This looks more like hospital garb.

Speaking of which, where was Warren?

Turning your head weakly to the right, you notice you're attached to a heart monitor, the wires running to sensors on your chest and fingers.

You struggle to prop yourself up and sit properly on the bed.

Warren walks into the room. "Good morning! Or, should I say good afternoon?" he smiles teasingly, closing the door behind him. "How are we feeling?"

"I'm feeling like you drugged me! What am I doing here?!" Your throat feels like its on fire, but you continue trying to speak regardless. "Can't you talk to me without having me admitted to a hospital?! Oh god- please don't tell me I'm in the psychiatric ward..."

"You are in the psychiatric ward, yes," he confirms smoothly. "But don't worry. I pulled a few strings to make sure you got the best care." His voice dips into something softer, almost affectionate. "I even had them set up a private room for you. No noisy roommates, no prying eyes—just me, looking out for you."

A chill runs down your spine. This isn't normal. This is too far.

"For what? Telling you I wanted to see a different doctor? For wanting to get off my meds?!" You glare.

He doesn't seem too bothered, pulling out a clipboard. "Well, it says on your chart you attacked me with scissors during our last meeting when I wouldn't give you prescription opioids. That's pretty serious."

"WHAT?!" Your jaw drops. "You liar! That never happened!"

Warren feigns worry. "Oh, sweetheart..." He caresses the side of your face. "You poor thing. Those delusions have you again, huh?" He shakes his head. "I don't know how to tell you this... but you have a problem. A very, very severe one. Which is why you need constant surveillance from someone trained to handle people with your particular condition."

You blink away tears blurring your vision. "This is crazy. You can't do this to me."

"Baby, I'm not 'doing' anything. This was all in your best interests." Warren moves closer to you, rubbing circles into your skin. "You're sick, (Y/n). I've been your doctor for multiple years now. Why would I lie about this?"

You sob harder. You want to believe him so bad.

You trust him, and it's always been easier to follow along with his suggestions rather than try to fight or argue back, but...

"You like treating me as if I'm a baby. Does that have anything to do with this? Or why the medications you've given me make me feel like I'm regressing into a toddler every day?" you spit out bitterly.

He sighs. "That's because you have the obvious mentality of one. The regression isn't a result of the drugs, (Y/n). It's your disorder acting up." He pushes some strands of hair out of your face. "If it helps any, I like taking care of you. Really, I do. I've never considered myself a parental person until I met you. You need me, just as much as I need to be needed by someone else. Like you."

"I'll tell everyone you basically kidnapped me," you threaten. "They can look on the security cameras for proof I didn't do anything!"

He clicks his tongue, chuckling. "I might have accidentally deleted the security footage from the day. Oops," he adds innocently. He kisses your forehead. "Now, get some rest, kiddo. Papa will check on you in an hour. And please don't try anything bad while I'm gone; otherwise, we'd have to add assaulting an orderly or nurse onto your file... We really don't want that, do we?"

All you can do is stare dumbly up at him as the words sink in.

Yes, Warren could definitely get in trouble for this... but who's going to believe you when you've been labeled a danger to yourself and others with a laundry list of mental health disorders, prescribed enough pills to tranquilize an elephant daily?

No one.

He leaves with a final, "Be good," shutting the door with a soft thump, leaving you alone, staring after him long after he's gone.

[jarofstyles]

Flower 2

Okay so I really love these babies so I think I'm gonna do 3-5 parts! I'm loving the tension hehe. Let me know your thoughts!

Flower Masterlist

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WC-4.6k

Warnings- mention of age gap romance, mention of bdsm, mention of bad sexual experiences, loads of sexual tension, low-key sugar daddy h, trust me

Sleep didn’t come too easily for her, but she felt absolutely wired when she woke up. Her coffee only made it worse as she wrapped herself up in the dark wash denim jacket she’d borrowed from Harry when he drove her home a few weeks back. His truck pulled into the driveway and she was grabbing her tote bag and phone, making sure to lock up before turning to face him. 

There was a weird expression on his face- something she couldn’t place. It wasn’t quite angry or mad, but it was a little darker as his eyes ran over her face and then body. He remained quiet until she got down her porch steps. “S’that… my jacket?” He asked lowly. The tone was strange to her as he stepped closer, tugging on the collar of it. 

“Yeah, it’s really cute and I figured I could wear it around today and give it back to you at the end. Is that… is that okay?” She worried her brows. “I can take it off now if you want to wear-“

“No.” He cut her off. “No, it’s totally fine. It just… it looks really good on you, is all.” He mumbled, squeezing her shoulder. “You look beautiful, as always.” His compliment was genuine, feeling his finger tap her nose, making her crinkle it. “Put the shiny stuff on it again? Your fairy sparkle?” 

Y/N laughed out loud at his nickname for her highlight on her cheeks and the tip of her nose. “Mhm. I got a new pink one, think it suits me.” And maybe she’d been a lot more meticulous about her makeup now that she had a feeling this may be a more-than-friends situation. “I really like this look.” It was a tease, considering he wore the same thing off duty. Jeans and some sort of tee shirt with a quirky phrase or obscure musician on them. Today’s was relatively tame with a bee surrounded by some words about honey and health. Cute. “I actually like the tee today. A bit muscle-y.” His arms looked real fucking nice in this one. Of course he would have some considering he worked with his hands and was a pretty physical person but… damn. She allowed herself to admire it, respectfully. 

It wasn’t something she’d caught before but a slight pink brushed his cheeks at her compliment. “Thanks, petal.” He smiled. “I… I got us some coffee, got your favorite. It’s only half an hour away but I figured….”

“You know I love coffee. You’re the best, as usual.” She sighed, leaning into him to have a hug. It wasn’t usual for her to do it first but he reacted quickly, pulling her close as he rubbed her back, content to keep her there forever. He was never the first to pull back from a hug, but Y/N would happily stay like this for hours  if the option was there. He smelled good, was so warm and sturdy and he knew exactly how to play with hair. Unfortunately she did have to pull back, shooting him a shy smile as he took her by the shoulder to the car. 

Of course he opened the door for her, made she she was in properly before jogging to his own side. He ever did the whole hand on the back of the seat while backing out move, which… wow. It never missed. The weirdest turn on, but something about it just elevated a man. 

His car smelled ridiculously good, and judging by the little clips on his air vents, he had just changed them. He had a few lanyards for access to work yards and membership cards to certain stores, but no fun little fuzzy dice, or a air freshener with a kitty on it like she had. There and then, she took a mental note to get him one. Maybe a puppy one, though. His German shepherd was his best friend.

“Are you getting any books?” She asked him after a little time passed. The chatter had been casual so far, easy. The tension she felt since last night wasn’t bad in the car if she continued topic switching and slight gossip. 

“Mm, I dunno. I haven’t done much reading lately. What are you gonna get?” He questioned, sneaking a peek at her as they stopped at a red light. 

“Probably romance. I’ve been most interested in that. I’ve seen some good book recommendations online and the girls sent me some, Gia and I wanted to do a book club thing for one of the books by our favorite author. It’s a bad boy romance but it’s called Reaper.” She figured he’d have no idea what that was, but she watched his brow raise as he gave her a look. 

“Well… you do have a naughty side, don’t you?” He snickered, watching her eyes widen. “Think m’clueless? Just because I don’t read a lot doesn’t mean my ears don’t work. Tony told me his wife was reading that and it’s full of sex. Basically erotica.” He licked his lip, looking her over. 

“Oh- well, yes there’s sex but there’s plot to! Just because a book has sex doesn’t mean it isn’t good!”’she crossed her arms, huffing at him. It was a bit to rile him up a bit considering he was doing it to her and it worked. She watched his mouth open and close before rushing out an explanation. 

“No! No, m’not saying that. It’s not bad at all. It’s empowering, but uh, I was just saying I didn’t expect you to read books like that.” He had to pull away as the light turned green but he looked a little stressed that he offended her. 

“I’m joking, H. I know you didn’t mean it like that.” She snickered, watching his face turn to a bit to a scowl. “What, you thought I’m a nun or something? Just cause I’m not spilling all my stories at the table doesn’t mean I don’t have them.” She knew a lot of the group was very open about their sexual experience which was more than fine with her. Y/N was nosy and loved knowing other people's business, But in her life she didn’t share sex related things. It was private, for her and her partners. She didn’t want to betray their trust either, regardless of the terms they were on. 

“I….” His face was more pink now, hands flexing around the wheel as he cleared his throat. “I just thought maybe you didn’t care as much about it. Which is fine, by the way! It’s cool. I just wasn’t sure you cared too much. You never talk about it when we have our confession nights so I… I was being a bit presumptuous. I’m sorry. It just shocked me a little.” 

It was funny to make him squirm a bit but he didn’t need to feel bad. “It’s fine. Promise. No one really asks anyway, so I don’t offer it up first. I’m usually private about it because some of our friends are loud mouths but you can ask me stuff if you want. Maybe after we get our books you can ask me whatever questions come up.” She knew there would be plenty based on his face alone. 

“Really?” He seemed surprised. “Yeah, sure. I mean, I’m not trying to be weird or anything but you know about the time I called someone by the wrong name and the girl who put her tongue in my ear so….” He shrugged one shoulder. 

“Oh, god.” Her giggle was muffled by her hand. He had shared some of his horror stories and she’d found out he was a bit of a bondage fan and dabbled in kinky stuff but until now that info had been locked away in her brain under padlock and key. Suddenly someone had taken nippers to the lock and it was spilling out again, staining the floor. “Yeah… I suppose that is fair.” Angling her knees towards her, she stirred her coffee with the straw. “I think the worst thing that’s happened to me… hm. Probably the time I went home with a guy after a few dates in college and his place was really gross, but he was even more so. Like…” her nose scrunched. “Took his pants off and there was a smell coming from them. I couldn’t do it.” 

“Oh, fuck.” He hissed, wincing at the thought. That was pretty much a nightmare situation. Harry always smelled good and never seemed to be anything but hygienic so she knew he gave a shit about it but still. No one wanted to think of that. “That’s… unfortunate for both of you. Was he embarrassed? How did you get out of it?” 

“He wasn’t, is the thing. Said ‘girls should like a natural musk’ and I told him that it wasn’t a musk, it was a stench. He wasn’t happy with that so he didn’t refuse when I left. I had to take a long shower after that.” Shuddering in disgust, she hated recalling that. “At first I felt really guilty too, cause that’s such a hard thing… but he ended up being such a dick. It was surprising considering he had been sweet on the dates but apparently men change a lot in the bedroom.” That was an understatement. 

“I can agree with that, but I’d hope it’s a positive change.” He shook his head at the thought. “Like, sweet in the streets and freak in the sheets or whatever the saying is.” 

A laugh peeled from her throat, leaning her head against the headrest with her face turned towards him. “Yeah, close enough. But ideally they would be. I dunno, you don’t have to be crazy to be good in the bedroom but I’d hope for the same level of respect. Some men have no idea how to actually handle women so it’s partly why I stopped dating.” And why she had stayed up looking at his Instagram last night and thinking about how she’d look inserted in his life. Harry seemed like a man who could potentially handle her. 

“I wish I could disagree but I can’t. I’ve heard many horror stories from girls, way more traumatizing than men. It’s why…” he stopped himself. “Sorry, was gonna overshare. But I can only imagine how it is and if it’s any consolation, I’m sorry for all the men.” 

God, he was cute.  But… wait. 

“No no, you can definitely  overshare.” She perked up. “If you want to, anyway. I don’t mind.” Blinking at him, he cut a look at her and let out a laugh as he lifted a hand to run it over his chin, the slight sound of skin scratching stubble audible in the cab of his truck. 

“Well, I was gonna say it’s why I try t’be aware of that when I’m with someone that their comfort is first. If there’s anything they don’t like they can say it, that m’not gonna be mad. I don’t want someone to walk away from something with me and feel uncomfortable.” Seeing him a little shy was really fucking adorable. “I don’t really do hookups anymore. They’re not fulfilling, at least not to me. Lost their appeal a few years ago but, the few relationships I’ve been in the whole goal was to make them feel good. I think there’s a lot of selfishness that’s mainly revolved around men and sex, which I noticed a lot. The fact that a lot of women aren’t getting off at all is fucking ridiculous.” He scoffed, looking truly bothered by it. 

Another point added to his growing list. 

“Yeah, it is. It was rare I could because for me, and I think a good amount of women, there needs to be the foreplay aspect of it. Mentally, I need to be stimulated. Y’know, like teasing or not so clean talking.”

It was her turn to feel a little shy but she powered through. “And men can dive right in. It’s where we differ a lot of the time. I think part of it is biological too, I guess. I tried hooking up for a while but it never did anything for me either. I prefer someone with a connection so it’s easier to get to that point.” Now she was the one oversharing. 

“I understand that. I like those things too. A bit of cat and mouse can be fun…” he pushed his hair back before returning his hands to the wheel, squeezing it. “It’s laziness and selfishness. I’d say for me personally, M’more of a giver. Not saying it to praise myself or anything but it’s just… it’s what I like.” There was a pause. “Sorry if that’s a bit much.”

No, it wasn’t enough. She wanted to know more. Her neglected cunt was more than interested in how he was in bed and if he’d like to be a giver for her, but she had to at least try to behave. 

“It’s not. We’re just being honest, right?” She placed a hand on his knee, giving a daring squeeze and let it linger for a few moments before peeling it away. Again, testing the waters of initiating touch. Once she’d realized last night that she hadn’t shown her own interest much she had vowed to at least try today to see how he'd respond.

In this instance his smile grew and he couldn’t look right at her, but he nodded at what she’d said. “Yeah. I jus’ don’t want to seem like some creep. But uh, what other sort of books do you like? Romance, yeah, but what sort of tropes?” He did know some of those. 

“Oh, I’m pretty adventurous.” A double meaning. “I like the grumpy and sunshine ones, the billionaire romances, mafia is a guilty pleasure. Meet cute is something else I enjoy for a light read. I dunno, I think I mainly go for what the summary calls to me for. I do read some darker stuff but it’s nice to have a little fantasy world to escape to. And the fantasy men know how to find a clit.” Throwing the joke in there was meant to diffuse some of tension but somehow it seemed to make it grow. 

Not in a bad way, per say, but he looked at her curiously. “Don’t tell me that all of them couldn’t….”

“No, no. Some of them did, but majority no. They rub the side and think they’re doing something. But I’ve never faked it, I refuse to give a man an ego boost for something he didn’t do.”

“Good on ya, petal. S’bullshit that they get off and you don’t.” He genuinely seemed bothered by it. “Buncha pricks is what they are.” 

“They are.” She snickered. “But I’ll let you read some of the blurbs for the books I pick out today, you can get a read on what sorta books I like.” It was yet again, another way to experiment. 

“I’m very intrigued to see what you’re into.” 

Y/N hopes that held a double meaning too. 

—-

Harry was hovering a bit. 

Normally that would annoy her. She’d huff and tell him to sit in the cafe, or go look at his own books- but she hoped that it was because he was paying attention to what she picked up. 

Plus, he was holding the basket for her. 

The store was earthy and rustic, exposed wooden beams running along the ceilings. There was a little cafe that served teas and coffees which she definitely planned on getting after her shopping, and from her nosy look over when Harry greeted the owner she had seen a blueberry scone. That would be coming home with her too. 

The shelves were high and they had multiple different sections. It was far bigger than any indie bookstore she had been to in the past , and that lead her to quickly realize quickly she was going to make a monthly trek out here. Maybe Harry would be interested in joining her in them. 

Maybe he’d be interested in doing a lot more with her. 

“I’m almost done.” She promised, plopping a used copy of a vacation town romance into the basket. It had to be a little heavy but Harry didn’t complain. It didn’t even look like the weight bothered him, the basket hanging off his arm. They’d stuck mostly to the used section considering they were far cheaper, but she was ready to go for the new ones now. 

So what if she took a little bit out of her savings for this? She deserved a little treat for once. 

“There’s no rush, Flower.” He assured her, following closely behind her as she moved towards the new books. “I was wondering if….” There was a pause as she looked up at him. It seemed to make his brain buffer for a moment, his eyes looking over her face before he blinked out of the stare. “Uh, it you wanted to have lunch or something after?”

Why was he so cute, and why did he look so nervous? Maybe Y/N wasn’t giving the signals she needed to. That would be her own fault, but it was hard to flirt when she was as serious as she was about her books. 

“On the condition that the iced mocha with a pump of caramel and the blueberry scone I get for the car ride doesn’t count as lunch, yes. I would very much enjoy that.” She chirped, watching the nerves melt off of his face. It was mind boggling that her of all people could cause him to be nervous in the slightest but you learned something new every day. 

“I’ll agree, because that’s more suitable for a dessert.” He drawled. Harry did like to tease her about her sweet tooth which always made her roll her eyes. So what if a girl liked to have a brownie with each meal? Life is nothing but spinning on an orb in space. You may as well enjoy the creature comforts. 

“If that’s your dessert I don’t think you’ve had a true one in a while.” The flirtation was light, testing the waters as she looked over the book covers. His eyes could be felt on the side of her face as he was quiet for a moment before letting out a little laugh. 

“Suppose I haven’t. You’re right. Maybe I’ll need to try yours and see what you mean.”

And oh. Oh. She did everything in her power not to react besides a little smirk, though she could feel the heat radiating off her cheeks. Harry could most defintely try her dessert whenever the fuck he wanted. 

“Should you be so lucky.” Was her slightly snarky reply, but he followed it up quite quickly. 

“One could only hope, Petal.” 

And yeah, maybe she felt her new heartbeat between her thighs as the newly heavier silence settled on them like oil in water, but it wasn’t necessarily bad. The anticipation was in her stomach as he got a bit closer, looking over her shoulder at the book she had picked up and was currently reading the back of. 

“What’s this one?” He asked, so close that she could feel the heat of his body against her back. 

“It’s called The Highest Bidder. It’s about… a girl who goes on an auction block at a BDSM club, he is one of the owners? Well he’s one of the richest. Anyways, I saw someone recommend it saying it has sugar daddy vibes and there’s some juicy stuff in it.” Y/N explained, taking the moment to lean back into him as she held the back cover for him to read. 

If he was surprised he didn’t show it. Instead, his hand came up to rest on her shoulder, pinky finger nearly grazing the side of her neck as he looked over to read. Such a casual touch of affection, but he seemed to like it. “And you’re gonna get this one?” It was a bit weirdly arousing feeling the vibrations of his words through his chest and onto her back. 

“I think so. I haven’t read an age gap for a while. Just hope the sex scenes aren’t shit. It’s hard to tell with books sometimes, even if they’re more kinky oddly enough. I’ve seen books that have the best summaries and seem super steamy have a two pump sex scene- or fade to black. Which, you know, is fine. Not all books need to have that, but what’s the point of making the book seem like it then?” She muttered. Clearly she had been victim to it a time or two.  “Then the authors get mad about low goodreads reviews. It’s like, cmon! Don’t mislead the readers about the book then.” 

It was something the woman did get passionate about when provoked, but Harry had opened that can of worms in the car when he had given his go ahead that he didn’t mind discussing things like this with her. 

“Mm. I see.” He nodded and she swore she could hear the smile in his voice. “Show me the others you want to get.” 

Y/N felt increasingly more comfortable as she went through the next five books, letting him read the back covers and giving him the low-down about what she had heard about them. Each time they moved their position would go back to where it was, with his hand on her shoulder and her back leaned into him, only he had gotten a little braver with running his smallest finger back and forth over the side of her neck. 

It nearly made her choke when she first felt it. She definitely stuttered when he did it, but she didn’t comment on how the little action felt incredibly intimate and soft, yet charged with an unspoken sexual energy that would probably kill her if she thought about it too long. Harry was being casual about it, but he always had been. He’d been the first to initiate most touches with her that Gia said were abnormal. Of course he didn’t start off their friendship by being super grabby and touchy but it had morphed into that, and it definitely did take him by surprise when she had initiated last night and again today. Kind of like she was reinforcing that it was more than okay to touch. 

“Are you sure you’re done?” He asked after placing her final book in the basket. Y/N felt like if she didn’t stop this weird, hot position of him asking questions about the books earnestly and his chaste-yet-sexy touches she may bend over the book table and get inappropriate really fucking fast. 

“Mhm.” She assured him. “Please, I’m gonna have to dip into the rainy day fund to afford all the stuff from today but it’ll be so worth it.” The sun shone through the windows and highlighted his features which, god, had her testing her own willpower. Of course she was far too shy to be super direct with him verbally, but she didn’t hide the fact that she was admiring him. 

Considering she had already been successful in her little experiments today, she saw the lock of hair that had flopped over his forehead and decided to push it back. Letting her fingers card through his hair, she pushed the strands out of his face and back into place. If she hadn’t been looking so intently she wouldn’t have seen the shiver he had from the action. His hair was so soft and obvious that Harry took care of it, and she had never really touched it all that much but the temptation had been too much. “Sorry, it was bothering me so it must have been bothering you.” She said simply, giving him a small smile. “I’m just gonna run to the restroom quickly and then we can check out. Okay?”

“Course.” He cleared his throat, nodding his head as if the question had taken a moment to load in his head. “I’ll be by the cafe then.”

Y/N really hated that bookstores made her have to go in there but it was a right of passage. Taking care of her business took only a few minutes, but when she came out she didn’t see him at first. 

He wouldn’t just leave her, so it took her a second to realize he was leaving the counter, two bags of books hanging off his arms and two coffees in the little tray. A brown paper bag clutched crumbled in the hand he used to balance the drink tray, making her eyes widen.

“Hey! I was gonna pay for our coffees and stuff.” She pouted as he approached. “You’ll have to let me get lunch then.” Her eyes went down to the two tote bags with the store logo on them. “Ooo, that’s so nice that they gave you these to hold them in. Let me just grab my wallet and we can go to the till to-“

“Don’t worry about it.” He cut her off, shrugging a shoulder. There was a pregnant pause, her eyes blinking rapidly before her eyebrows crinkled. 

“What do you mean? I have to pay.”

“They’re paid for.” The reply was simple and matter of fact. Again, words escaped her as she looked between him and the books. 

“Did you-“

“I paid. It’s fine, Flower.”

“Uh, what?” Her eyebrows shot up as her stomach dropped. It did the weird thing that had her feeling a little lightheaded as he stood there, like he didn’t just spend probably close to two hundred on books. “No way I can accept that.”

“If I told you I got a discount for building this place will it help?”

“Harry.” She said quietly. “You…. Why?” 

“Because I’m happy you agreed t’spend the day with me.” The reply was so to the point, not hiding anything at all that it almost felt unreal. Hell, it did feel unreal because who the fuck spent two hundred on books for a friend? Granted, she had a feeling-or a hope- there was a crush in there, but it felt like a huge gesture. 

“You already do so much for me.” She swallowed the lump down her throat. “You help me at my place and you drive me home from get togethers and you buy me drinks when we go out and… I feel like it’s a lot. I surely don’t do as much for you.”

“I’d do even more if you let me.” He stared honestly, nothing but truth on his face. “So jus’ let me do this for you. I want to. It makes me happy.” 

Y/N didn’t know how to argue with that. Instead, she nodded, and reached to take the bag and coffee tray from him since he had the much heavier books. “Thank you. I could cry, probably.” That wasn’t a joke. Her eyes felt like they were stinging. 

“None of that, Petal.” He shook his head. “C’mon. I’ve got plenty of questions and you’ve got answers you promised me on the way here.” Without thinking twice, he grabbed her free hand with his own, tangling their fingers before leading her to the truck. 

Y/N had no idea how so much had changed in 24 hours,

But she had a feeling it was about to change a whole lot more.

[nats--sw]

In your head | Leah Williamson

Leah Williamson x reader It's England's match against the Netherlands, and your girlfriend is willing to do anything to win. Warnings: I think you may find some of the comments a little suggestive. note: set in England's last game, but I changed a few things here and there

You hadn't seen Leah for days, each of you in a different country preparing for a big game as it was every time England played the Netherlands. Your team a little more comfortable than Leah's in terms of qualification, but you would be playing at Wembley in front of an abysmal crowd and as Leah used to say, "The English are never done", so at the end of the day it was a tough game.

At your feet was the chance for your girlfriend to qualify for the Olympics next year, but there was also the chance to take your team to the Olympics.

"Good morning, Miss England" Jill sat down next to you for breakfast, ruffling your hair as she passed behind you.

"Shut up" you said arranging your hair back to how it was before "Why are you only picking on me, Viv is sitting right in front of me and no one says anything to her."

Viv raised her head and smiled mischievously. "Don't drag me into your fights, kiddo."

"Well Viv's face doesn't change every time she has to play against her girlfriend" Jill said as if it was nothing "But you instead haven't smiled for days because you keep thinking about how you don't want to kick your girlfriend's ass."

"These are tough days" you muttered lowering your head "This week it's this game, but then when I go back to England it's Arsenal against Chelsea".

That was another factor, you were playing for Chelsea, having only just won a starting place this season, and winning that game would mean securing the top spot in the table, but Arsenal was desperate for those 3 points and of course Leah was too.

"You're messing with your own head," Viv commented, folding her arms on the table, "Leah knows how to separate things and you should do the same."

"Just worry about giving 100% of yourself" said Jill patting you on the back "Because I assure you Leah will."

"How was the flight?" Leah looked radiant through the screen, smiling practically from ear to ear "You look tired".

"Uh... yeah, I didn't get much sleep during the flight" you mentioned settling better in your bed "How have you been feeling these days? No complications during training?"

Leah narrowed her eyes "Are you trying to get information out of me?"

"What?! Of course not!" you quickly defended yourself "I'm concerned about the physical health of my girlfriend who is apparently going to have her first game as a starter since her injury"

"I'll pretend I believe you" Leah replied laughing "But everything's fine, according to Sarina I'm fit enough to start."

"Good news then"

"Huh, tell your face that" muttered Leah frowning "You know you don't have to go easy on me during the game, right?"

"Yeah" A lie.

"Babe, we're professionals, it's our job to do this. A lot can happen in a match, whoever wins this isn't better than the other, okay? Everything will still be fine."

"I know... it just feels weird."

Leah disappeared for a few seconds from your screen.

"Uh, the girls are calling me. I should go, but please stop thinking about us like that, okay? Go to sleep, I love you."

"Hm, I love you more. Bye."

The atmosphere in the stadium was overwhelming, the energy of the crowd could be felt from the tunnel.

"Looking good, number 25" Leah's voice sounded behind you.

"Uh, you too" you muttered without even turning to look at her, your eyes fixed on Jill's back, who was watching the situation out of the corner of her eye.

"Oh… but love, you haven't even looked at me" her tone was full of teasing. That plus the mixture of her perfume in the air was starting to get to you, "Babe?" your girlfriend's fingers took your chin and made you turn to look at her. "Hi" her smile was dazzling, she knew she was getting what she wanted "How do I look?" she asked raising her eyebrow.

You looked her up and down instinctively, did she look better than usual today? Probably. She always looked good when she wore her England kit, but today she looked amazing.

"You look... amazing" you replied almost as if Leah's gaze had you under a spell.

"What the fuck" Jill turned away, fed up with the situation, slapping Leah's arm to get her to let you go "Get out of here, Williamson."

Leah immediately raised her hands, pretending to be innocent, when she saw Daan also approaching to see what was going on.

"Good luck" she said looking at them and walked off to the start of the tunnel but not before winking at you.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" said Jill giving you a little shake.

"What?"

"Your girlfriend is getting in your head" Daan said looking sideways at Leah who was still smiling "Please YN, we all here know Leah, we knew it was going to be like this because she needs to win this game"

"I told you Leah would give her 100%, and if she's resorting to these stunts it's because she doesn't care if she has to beat you, she'll get it one way or another." said Jill "Listen to me, you will go out there, do your job, you will destroy Earps goal and only after that you will remember again that your girlfriend is the England captain, do you hear me?" this time Jill whispered in your ear as all the other girls from the England team had arrived in the tunnel.

"Okay, enough you two" you said getting a little annoyed "I'm a professional woman, I won't let my relationship affect my work and you should trust me as my teammates and friends.”

"We just want to make sure that-"

"No, I'm not a child who should be told what to do, now shut up you two" was the last thing you said to focus your eyes straight ahead, totally concentrated.

You were so focused on the game that you didn't even notice Daan and Jill high fiving behind you.

The first goal for your team came after the first 10 minutes, thanks to you and your ability to leave Lucy Bronze behind you. You also had another advantage, it wasn't the first time you had faced Earps so you knew where to shoot at the right time, so it was no surprise that your shot ended up in the back of the net.

Jill was the first to jump on you as you ran to a corner of the stadium where you could see some fans wearing the Netherlands shirt.

"That's what I was talking about!" Jill shouted in your ear as she kept hugging you.

Leah was watching out of the corner of her eye, chatting with Lucy, her jaw clenched thinking about how hard it would be to stop you.

Lucy was the one in charge of marking you, but now on every corner kick the person behind you was your girlfriend.

"Nice goal" she murmured close to your ear.

It was the first corner kick in favour of the Netherlands, so you were scared when you heard her voice, thinking that another girl would mark you.

You didn't say anything back, just pressed your elbow against her abdomen when you felt her too close.

"Too bad it was the last one." She muttered again, this time placing a hand on your waist and squeezing.

"Get the fuck off" you mumbled, starting to move from side to side to get her off.

"That's cute" was the last thing she said before the ball was kicked into the box, specifically looking for your head, but finding Leah's head first, who had no trouble clearing it out of the box.

"Shit" you muttered, glancing at Leah who was ignoring you again to focus on her team's counterattack.

"Focus on the game, YN" Vic said walking past you, giving you an encouraging pat on your back.

The first half ended with the Netherlands holding a one-goal lead. You had had a couple of chances at goal, but now in addition to having Lucy behind you, Leah was making a double effort to mark you in the same way, managing three times to get the ball away from you as cleanly as possible, as she always did.

During the half time talk no one mentioned the issue of Leah getting into your head, because from the look on your face everyone could tell that you were 100% focused on the game.

There were only 45 more minutes to go.

But to increase the lead you only needed 20.

"Hey, gorgeous" Leah's voice was in your ear again at another corner kick.

"God, shut the fuck up" you said pulling your body back, pushing her away. Leah, taking advantage of your action, raised her arms when she saw the referee signalling for you to stop the contact.

"You know what you do to me when you talk like that?" she whispered pressing her body against you once her teammates blocked the referee's view "It makes me want to make you- Hey!"

Before Leah could finish her words, your elbow had hit her abdomen hard.

"You two!" the referee came running up to where you were, giving words of warning to you and Leah.

"Come on love, let's be professional" Leah said once the referee left, her face was serious, but you knew her tone of voice showed how much she was enjoying the whole situation.

"Yeah, professionals" you muttered before you heard the referee's whistle.

The ball this time didn't go to your head, but to Daan's head instead, who's attempt unfortunately hit the crossbar, making the ball bounce back to your feet, Leah away from you because she had gone to clear Daan's first attempt.

It wasn't the best position to shoot, you didn't use your good foot either, but still the ball hit the net with the little push you gave it.

Now the Netherlands was 2 goals up on the scoreboard.

The whole team went up to you, celebrating between the rest of the English players who looked at each other blankly, including Leah, who was shaking her head with her hands resting on her waist.

It was all up to you to score a third goal, there were still 15 minutes left, not counting extra time. In a counterattack you were left with only Earps in front of you, but Lucy didn't hesitate to put her foot between your legs making you fall.

The foul had been called and Lucy had got a yellow card, because although she had made you fall it was not a red card action. But after a minute you were still on the ground.

You had fallen badly, with your wrist taking all your weight, plus apparently you had hit your head, or so said Vic who was the first to get to your side to keep you on the ground.

"The stretcher is coming" she said brushing some of the dirt and grass off your face.

"Babe? What hurts?" for the first time in the whole match you heard the tone of voice that Leah was used to using with you, a tone full of softness. One of her hands was placed on your abdomen, and she used her other hand to help Vic wipe your face.

"It's my hand," was all you said, opening your eyes to see that she was kneeling next to you. You weren't sure, but it felt like Leah let out a sigh when she heard that the problem was your hand and not your leg.

"You'll go to the bench." Leah murmured, watching one of your teammates take off her jacket to enter the field.

"Oh, you'll be happy now, Leah?" Vic teased her with a smirk.

"Shut up, Pelova" she said denying, but smiled anyway "Good, here comes the medical staff. I hope it's nothing serious" she said giving you a squeeze on the shoulder before getting up and returning to her position.

When you sat on the bench you were not unhappy with your performance, you had scored the two goals that led your team to a momentary win, but within minutes of you being substituted Leah's iconic phrase was ringing in your ears.

"The English are never done."

It only took your girlfriend and her team the remaining fifteen minutes and 3 minutes of extra time to turn the game around and take the 3 points.

"I can't believe it" was what you muttered as the final whistle blew, covering your face with your jacket, tears on the verge of flowing.

One of your teammates placed her hand on your thigh to reassure you, you didn't know who it was because you didn't remove your jacket from your face until several minutes later.

"Come on, YN" Viv grabbed your arm, forcing you to stand up.

You walked hugging her all the way to the centre of the pitch, where Beth and the other Arsenal girls were.

"Damn YN, I didn't know you had those goals in you" was the first thing Beth said, giving you a hug "You did well, don't worry" she murmured in your ear, knowing -thanks to Viv- how much you were worried about this match.

"You were a real nightmare," said Alessia, who then gestured to you to exchange shirts. "I hope I never see you doing what you did today again" she said with a laugh, referring to the next league match.

"I can't promise anything" you said shyly, still a little upset about losing. You were about to add something else, but in the distance you heard Leah's voice approaching. "Uh, I'll go inside, I think my arm still hurts, so I'll see if they can give me something for the pain."

Viv noticed the lie, but didn't say anything, just gave your healthy arm a squeeze. As soon as you started walking away from the group Leah did too, but Viv was quicker and managed to grab her arm to integrate her into the conversation and stop her from going after you.

"Great game today," Viv said, forcing her to focus on the conversation.

"Yeah, but you guys did well too. I think it was just a bit of luck that goal in extra time."

"That was a masterpiece!" Alessia defended herself, as she had been the one to convert that goal. "But of course, no goal will be that great for you unless it's from YN" she teased Leah, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"It's the truth, what YN touches turns into a masterpiece" Leah said, puffing out her chest proudly "I love watching her play, but I'd rather do it from the stands and not a few feet behind her."

"Look at you, flattering your rival, never seen that before from you" this time it was Beth who teased her.

"Since she's been with YN she has become a softie" said Viv, pinching Leah's cheek "Oh, why that grumpy face Williamson?"

"You're all idiots" she said smacking Viv's hand "So what if I've become a softie because of YN? I don't care if you laugh at me."

"We know why you have that grumpy face, Williamson" Jill said appearing behind her, jumping almost on Leah's shoulders "It's because your plan to get into YN's head didn't work out!"

"What do you say?"

"I think you achieved quite the opposite with YN, your words instead of distracting her made her try twice as hard, so thank you for that. Shame we didn't manage to keep the lead but that's the way it goes sometimes."

"Damn" Leah folded her arms "You're saying if I hadn't picked on YN she wouldn't have scored those goals?"

"I mean, she would have anyway, but I think you gave her a little push, so thanks."

At the end of the conversation all the girls laughed at Leah, who had planned all morning to get into your head, but in the end her plan didn't work out.

No one mentioned anything else about the game, let alone Leah. And the truth is, you didn't think about her either, well, that was until after you showered at the hotel, you found a bouquet of flowers on your bed and Jill and Leah chatting on the side.

"No funny business, you hear me?" Jill said to Leah before walking out of the room and leaving you two alone.

The atmosphere was awkward, but Leah didn't care.

"Uh, I brought you flowers" she hurriedly said and took the bouquet, walking over to you and handing it to you, smiling as she saw you accept them "You were amazing today... you were a real nightmare for Lucy and me."

"Don't exaggerate, it wasn't that big of a deal" you said smiling as you saw the card with a dedication in the middle of the flowers "I was the player of the match you think?"

"Yes, I can't deny it" Leah took the flowers from your hands to put it back on the bed "I did what I did because I knew it would be physically impossible to hold you back" she said taking your face, caressing your cheek. "It was a lot easier when you were subbed off, but Lucy got a couple of words from me afterwards."

"You're an idiot for that stupidity to be whispering in my ear the whole game, how old are you? 10?" you said resting your head on her chest.

"What did you expect? You scored a brace, I had to stop you somehow." Leah defended herself.

"Whatever you say... So, we're good then?"

"Yeah, I told you. It's just a game and things happen. I thought you wouldn't want to see me for how much I pissed you off today" she said laughing taking the opportunity to caress your back. "How's your hand?"

"Fine, nothing serious but I need to rest it for a couple of days."

"Good" she said and then started walking to your bed without letting you go, sitting down and making you sit on her lap. "Now... about what I said during that corner kick before your goal..." she said putting her hands on your thighs.

"Hmm..." you settled on top of her, not taking your eyes off her lips "I think that's the first time it's ever bothered me to feel you against my back if I'm being honest."

Leah couldn't hold back her laughter, taking the moment to slip her hands under your shirt "I wanted to do this every time I was behind you" she said before she started kissing you.

You guys stayed like that for a couple of minutes, with Leah murmuring how much she loved you every time she stopped kissing you to catch her breath.

"I've been worried about this match all week" you confessed as you stopped the kissing knowing you couldn't do much more than that.

"Yeah, I know. I think I got text messages every day from your team cursing me out. But I didn't want it to be like that, I like you to give your all always, even if it means being against me."

"It was just a difficult situation, your first game as a starter, qualification, Wembley...."

"I didn't want you to worry about me" she said tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear. "But I want you to know that despite the defeat, I'm proud of what you did today, and I feel like the luckiest person knowing who my girlfriend is and what she's capable of."

"You're such a sweet talker" you laughed but kissed her anyway.

"I know"

Leah patted your thigh to get you off her lap, standing up immediately after that.

"Well I gotta go, see you in a couple of days love."

"Good luck in your next match." You said giving her a last kiss on her lips.

"May the best team qualify, babe."

"Right. Go before you start your little mind games with me" you said pushing her out of the room.

"I love you!"

[lettherebetboys]

ONE MONTH ON T!!!!!!!🎉🎉💥🎉💥🎉💥

wow wow wow! god this is incredible. i’ve been at around 25-30mg per week and i’m already noticing a few changes:

voice: i think i’m cracking a little more? and it might be a little lower? but it’s such a small change i could be imaging it. i’ve been resting my singing voice due to a very strenuous concert/competition season that ended two weeks ago, but i’m going to keep working it more over the holidays, so we’ll see!

physical changes: HOLY BOTTOM GROWTH. Christ. they weren’t kidding when they said it happens fast. pretty weird, but i don’t hate it!

there are a few more hairs on my upper lip and chin, barely noticeable if i’m not looking super close in the mirror in good lighting. but they’re there!

chronic pain is the same as usual, i’ve started working out regularly and eating more protein. right now i can’t tell if it’s made any change but i feel pretty good!

orientation stuff: GIRLS. FUCK. FUUUCK. i’ve identified as gay for a LONG time but yeah no i am slowly accepting that i like girls too. i’ve liked a few girls before T, never anything serious at all, but lately i’ve been more accepting of seeing a girl and thinking she’s pretty like THAT, not just aesthetically pretty. i believe T may have amplified this feeling but i’m not sure how much is attributable to hormones and how much is just, me accepting what was already there.

i’m still asexual, i don’t believe i feel sexual attraction towards people, however my libido has increased a bit. i didn’t really HAVE a libido before so this is unfamiliar and strange. i have been surprisingly neutral on this. i don’t really care! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

mental health: crazy stuff has been happening in my life that’s outside of my control, so on the whole i haven’t been too great. but INTERNALLY, i feel so much better. more comfortable with my body, more confident in myself, generally happier!!!

i am so happy i started T, SO happy i made the leap of faith. it was scary, and it continues to be scary, but every week it gets easier :) every week it feels a little less like fear and a little more like excitement

[tree-obsession]

2.2 SPOILERS!! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

this is a small lore discussion! mostly speculation and theories- i have not seen leaks about 2.3 plot yet, but i have seen a couple about boothill's character stories, so please keep that in mind!

trigger for mentions of suicide(aventurine) and mega corps(the ipc)

we have to talk about the ending cutscene with aventurine and boothill more! i'll start with my fav parts that no one really has brought up yet:

Aventurine intimidating Boothill after mentioning the guards are out- Boothill sounded so offput and hasty while reassuring him they were just knocked out, and we have to talk about aventurine himself just being intimidating more honestly his glare actually did kind of scare me.

Boothill pointing a gun at aventurine was. well. i'm sorry i did actually laugh at that. boothill i think you should research your targets a bit more honestly that guy is NOT afraid of guns. he fully walked into the nihility and pointed at least one gun at himself, and just got out of his own meticulously-planned suicide. threats of death won't work, sorry. also he has good reason to hate oswaldo schneider as well- threats didn't even have to be used, probably! he would kill him too, probably(revenge arc go go go!!)

the convo between aven and jade was. yeah. why he's betting his life again, i don't know (maybe sarcasm? or it was really just banter?) but it does seem like the two of them aren't super close at all, at least from what little i could gather. also if diamond hurts aventurine the entire fandom will kick his ass, emanator or no, so he better be prepared for that too lol. also, it was a pretty common theory aventurine would leave the ipc after exiting nihility, since acheron presumably broke his ties- i wonder why he went back? perhaps he had no plans as to where to go, or he has some ulterior motive?

how did he get out of nihility so unscathed? (for context, i haven't gotten aven's text messages yet, but i'm aware of some of their contents since they've been floating around w/out spoiler tags. the messages are mentioned a bit here if you wanna avoid spoilering!) i know argenti got him out, but 1) why was argenti there, or where did he even find him? and 2) that seems so random- both argenti and jade confirmed it, but plot-wise what's even the point of argenti pulling him out? also argenti said he was in a "woeful state" when he got out, and apparently the stonehearts are willing to give aven a break (which i'm assuming is major, since stonehearts are super important and have a lot of responsibility, plus he just destroyed a cornerstone) so him already being back on his feet when we see the phone call is a bit weird right away. he doesn't even sound sick, and ratio or any other doctor is nowhere in sight! (message spoilers start here) i'm aware the aventurine cornerstone was fully shattered/destroyed while protecting him from nihility- was he really in there for who-knows-how-long without any protection at all? he's apparently having nightmares and the ipc needed to call in a doctor of chaos to treat him, which is concerning considering his mental health and general will to live were extremely low even before walking into the nihility. like he genuinely has some of the worst will to live i've ever seen in a character or human being- walking through the nihility should have utterly destroyed him mentally and physically, but it didn't. 2.3 HAS to give us a whole lotta context, especially with nihility lore (my favorite aeon, i may be biased) and more about the ipc!

anyway, thank you for reading this poorly formatted, stream-of-consciousness word vomit about 2.2's aventurine lore. hope you liked it! drop ur thoughts in replies and reblogs plz they give me life(although i will be very busy next few weeks, so please don't be offended if you want a reply and don't get it, im so sorry!)

2.2 was peak- a bit slow, but the story was some of the best, if not the best stuff hoyo has given us in terms of writing quality. so great! i cried for sure, and that boss battle was just everything- especially the music. robin my lesbian queen if i didn't have to pull for firefly i would get your lightcone for sure...

see you all next time! thx for sticking around (:

[marinasdiamand]

“Marina, you announced that you were doing this monthly newsletter and it’s been 6 weeks since your last one” Shit. Well, I have ideas. Lots of ideas! And I love to connect. Until ah - I am overcome by a mad urge to retreat back into my cave and forget social media exists. Welcome to the eternal dance of being introverted whilst forever harboring extroverted ambitions. It’s a part of myself that I’ve been tussling with lately as I’m beginning to imagine how it’ll feel to promote my next record. I haven’t promoted anything properly since 2019… Most pandemic album campaigns were kinda weird and ‘Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land’ was no exception. So album six gives me excitement and a bit of nervousness as I mentally prepare to do public things again. I’ve done this enough times to now have zero expectations and for once the inability to predict outcomes feels fun. Remember ‘Love + Fear’? We shall gently call her my ‘least loved’ record. She’s not a bad album, but she lacked my usual creative force. Written during a period of illness and my Saturn return (a notoriously sketchy chapter for most 29- 31 year olds), she was less of an album and more of a vehicle to get me back into the world again. She was liked, but not loved, which of course stung in the moment. But it taught me how important a connection with your internal creative compass is when you aren’t physically in tune. Around that time I had many recurring dreams about falling from huge cliffs into the sea, and I remember vowing to never read Twitter replies again. I never quite got back on Twitter again. But it turned out to be a helpful experience and healthy for the ego. The fun thing about creativity is that you can never predict what connects. For many artists, albums aren’t a product to promote. They’re part of our internal processing system which helps us move to the next step in our lives. Songwriting has helped me manifest many things in life, which, yes, is some kind of magical witchcraft. So, I’ve come to see the purpose of albums differently in the last few years. What might not be successful publicly might be successful personally for the artist. I don’t even know what got me on to writing about this today. It’s just been on my mind. I think it’s because I feel so good right now. My life has changed quite dramatically in the last 15 months. I healed from a chronic health condition that I had dealt with for 6 years and it required me to build my life again from the ground up. It has taken a lot of time, repetition and love. Part of me wishes those years had been different— I still feel the loss. But I also recognize that the experience has informed the album I’m creating now. It just feels so magical!!! See u in October for book tour! Dates will be announced soon. Love always, Marina

[aether-link]

Let’s have a sad hc fic of yangvik shall we? (emotions are all over the place and been thinking of this for a few days).

Cw: death, extreme depression, heartbreak syndrome, old age.

-

First up, I personally have this thought that Raava just genuinely extends the life force of every avatar. (All my homies pour one out for kuruk😔) Compared to their companions who don’t really have that light energy extension. SO…

Yangchen and Kavik are the same age right? They are pushing 100 or around early 100s, Yangchen over time has personally given Kavik days off from avatar duties to be with his family and other tribesmen. Mostly a week too two weeks he has, Kavik mostly goes on hunts that also take majority of that time. By the time he gets back, he always brings back at least a new wound or scar. Yangchen doesn’t really like that, when she finds a scar or a fresh opening somewhere she’s on it, quickly healing it. Though Kavik is mostly riddled by now, she always shakes her head in disapproval though forgives him.

Things start to slow down for Kavik. His health mostly, the sheer stress of the past catching up to him. Duty and fights taking a toll mentally but more physically. A day he goes to set out, preparing for a hunt. He is home with what family he has left, Yangchen is there to (thanks to his mother, Yangchen is always welcomed to his home and family no matter) but this day was different for him. Things felt off, slow, uncomfortable for him. The weirdness of slow breathe, Kavik had to sit down. A few deep inhales until a wave of pain struck him in the chest, clutching himself there. Yangchen flew into action without even speaking a word. She was on it. Supporting his weight while he sits keeling over, using her healing she figured out what was happening to him. A silent heart attack.

Panic set into her, wide eyes. Eyeing Kavik’s face that is now drenched in sweat. Fear now over takes her, her knowledge in the human body is vast, once a person has an attack the rest that follow are more harsh until death, if your lucky.

Yangchen upset spoke with a stern voice at Kavik. Telling him do not go hunting, he is in no condition no more. Only for Kavik give her a smug smile with a look that she knows to well, a look of “I’ll be ok, it’s alright…” but no. Yangchen brows flex, eyes sharp, a frown dawned on her face. Her figure shadowed over him who was still slumped in the seat he took, reality grew on his own face. She was the boss. His life is now in her hands from now on.

Months had past since the attack. Kavik felt less in energy then before, what he would report to Yangchen on the daily on how he felt. It would give so much relief when he was ok. More extra comfort is when they slept together, respectfully. Yangchen would have a routine throughout the night checking Kavik when he sleeps. A hand on his back, chest, then pulse checks on his neck and wrists. To catch anything of the abnormal through out his body. Things seems to be fine until a week later.

Yangchen doing her check ups, half asleep for to be fully awake after discovering that Kavik is silent. A silence that was eerie and deafening. Throughout that night a second silent attack had happened, before her check ups, just her luck. Yangchen is in a horrible mess, scrambling to a lifeless Kavik who slept by her. There where no signs on his face, no signs of stress on the outside, the only evidence she could find was his still heart that felt like it was strangled from the attack that hit hard, feeling it with her water bending. Yangchen now beginning to hyperventilate, mute sobs. Running her hands over his chest trying to bring him back though nothing prevailed. Finally she let it out with a scream that bursted the windows, rattled the doors of the home they lived in. So loud that it made other water tribe members wake and rush too the house, only to find what cause such a scream of horror.

She hasn’t slept in weeks, dark circles under eyes, pale complexion and now underweight. Her solid rock that gave her peace is now gone. Yangchen started separate herself from the world. Started to ignore pleas, asks for help, avatar duties, literally everything. The woe was taking over her day by day, to weeks, to months evolved to years. Chaos was dawning. Even spirits started to break worlds without her interference and cause destruction. People and nations kept at her, everything was too much now. Even Raava that tried her best to ground her was unsuccessful.

Yangchen looked like death itself, a being of no other. Strangely things where going quiet, all the pleas stopping over time that kept falling in deaf ears. Finally she thought to herself, a perfect time to flee and disappear without witnesses. The place she now stays at, the cove in the side of the mountains where no one could see. Yangchen lazily mopes day in and day out. Her depression completely took the wheel of her life now, she could bearly eat anything and when she did, pain. Pain shot through her chest, specially around her heart and lungs. The suddenness made her think rapidly, more attacks? This was something else, she never even felt like this before until now. The pain grew in waves then stopped, it was torment.

The pain and the depression was at its maximum at this point. Yangchen laying against the wall of rock. Hissing the pain out when it struck. Her heart felt like it was tearing apart, it hurt to breath. Raava broke the silence, for a moment Yangchen had forgotten about her, her words where soft and comforting to hear after a while of stress. When Raava spoke, she mentioned something that Yangchen had never heard of when it came to human health. Why didn’t anyone tell her? Why didn’t anyone report such a rare like thing in history.

Broken Heart Syndrome. Valves of the heart ripping apart slowly over time from suffering from extreme depression, stress or grief of a lost loved one. Kavik’s loss affected her so harshly that she never wanted to admit it. But it was true, he was the last being and even thing that gave her joy, happiness, a reason to live another day. Why did she hang on after so long after his passing? Was it self false hope? Perhaps. The pain is back, Raava’s words faded when it became to unbearable. Grunts and gasping for air came from Yangchen, her hands death grip her robes in a fight for life. Things where blurring, sound was getting more and more quiet. Raava spoke more, her final words sounding like a gentle guidance. Yangchen started to realise what was happening to her, to herself. Her last few moments. The gasps sounded horrific to the ear, weakness grew all over. Yangchen’s body gave a last ditch effort, an effort too cry. To let it all out once and for all. For this this life. Soft lights shun around her, just making it out from failing vision until complete darkness. Raava. Saying her goodbyes to this avatar who lays before her motionless and finally at peace, the great air avatar Yangchen.

[pitseleh812]

oversharing about current boytoy situation

going to rant unabashedly because this is not tied to my name or my reality at all!

okay so i was going through a period where i thought i was straight for the first time in my life and i had a few hinge situationships but i somehow transferred to wizz. if you don't know what wizz is it's marketed as a way to make new friends but it is full of horny men of all ages subtly begging for a girl across the world to send them nudes. i talked to quite a few guys through this and had male validation for a 3 meals a day for about 4 days straight before i realized it had ruined my mental health completely. i got plenty of dick picks (some of which were consensual) and i took it as a way to experiment while still being completely in control of the conversation. by the time i realized it ruined my mental health i stopped texting everyone on there except for a guy that hadn't even asked for my snapchat yet (it had been 3 days, beating the previous 2 hour world record by a landslide) and instead gave me cool dinosaur facts and called me pretty.

we've been talking for maybe three weeks now and we have each other on every platform, we know an extensive amount about each other, i've seen his dick he's seen my boobs, i have complete power over him and he surrendered to me willingly, he comforts me when i need him to, he gets me to eat, he gets me to do schoolwork, he's effectively keeping me alive.

but...

he's 2000 miles away from me, he's not intellectually stimulating on any level, i might be gay, i'm his first relationship, i'm in college and i should be spending my time getting actual physical affection instead of this weird mutual yearning that we're doing.

i straight up told him (and maybe i'm a psychopath for this) that i am not going to commit to an online relationship with him for the chance at a life together in 4+ years, that i'm going to actively look for new relationships while we're talking, and that i will be the one to break his heart and that it will be soon.

every time i tell anyone i did that they laugh at my cruelty but it would be worse to not tell him, wouldn't it? i'm giving him the option, if he doesn't want this he can stop talking to me. i mean of course the right answer is to have never let him get attached in the first place but it's too late for that. many relationships end in failure i'm just being up front with him that this one will as well.

the conversation ended with him saying that whatever it is that we have now is worth the pain it will end in so technically i have his consent to break his heart but idk it's definitely still unethical. what do you guys think lol

[beigely]

I do my estrogen injections on Thursdays, and I posted this on cohost on the last Thursday of posting there:

Today is 90 weeks on HRT. (I have notes in a spreadsheet, totaling it up that's 662 milligrams of estradiol valerate. It does not take much!) Aside from transition in general, starting HRT is one of the best things I've done in my life. My dysphoria has always been mostly subtle and non-obvious, and only becomes apparent when I try something and realize how very nice it is, how much I actually didn't like how it was before. At the start the clothing envy was the most obvious. I started out transition with trying out more feminine clothing, and it felt great, and I ended up spending a few years living as a person with a beard who usually wore dresses, and it went well far beyond my dreams, getting shockingly little harassment and tending to get treated as a sort of honorary woman, always going to be called "sir" or he/him, but somehow getting treated much as a woman.

I was more than four years into transition before I found trans women on Twitter and got away from the Tumblr enbies, and started seeing those transition timelines, with a before photo that looked like me and a later photo that looked very very different. That seemed appealing. And I started hearing about the emotional, mental health effects of HRT, that sounded appealing. And then the pandemic started, I went out with my face covered, and somehow had been instantly transformed from That One Guy everyone remembered everywhere I went, a weird sort of honorary woman, to just another random women. I liked that a lot! I started thinking some body modification might be really nice.

It's amazing. For one thing, I feel emotions now. I can cry now. I've never felt emotions anything like this before, it's amazing, this alone is worth everything. I love all the subtle physical changes more than I ever imagined, my skin is softer, my hair is growing longer, I smell different, I'm not as greasy and sticky all the time. I'm just over 63 hours into electrolysis and we're at the final stage of getting the last straggling hairs, my face is a slightly different shape thanks to HRT influencing the fat layer under the skin, I'm so very happy with how I look. Just over a year ago I saw a women in the mirror for the first time, it gradually become more common, and now, I just look like this. There's some less subtle changes, too. Having breasts is fantastic, I cannot get over how happy I am with how I look with them, I love all the sensations of having them, somehow it just feels like they should be there, they should have been there all along, and now I finally have them. I can tell you from experience breasts alone don't necessarily make or break how people see you, but they sure doesn't hurt if you like being seen as a woman. And it's nice just remembering an experience on my recent camping trip, I got up just after sunrise, it was still pretty chilly out, I put on some very random clothing to walk to the toilets including a blue and black fleece pullover I bought ages ago in my boy days, not remotely trying to dress up all nice, and I looked down and saw I obviously have breasts. I just look like this now, all the time, even camping and putting in less than zero effort first thing in the morning I just look like this now. I had no idea how much I'd like it.

[spacesymbol]

heyyyyy. crazy month and a half, am i right? 😅

my sincerest apologies for the truckload of reblogs.... plus even more sincere apologies if i reblogged a very old post of yours that you forgot about 😭

ive had those sitting in my drafts for a WHILE so that they wouldnt get drowned in my likes.... but i have some weird mental hangup about posting here without also posting a Life Update..... but i kept procrastinating actually writing a Life Update..... so here we are!!

anyways. that being said. LIFE UPDATE TIME!!!!! (no cut since theres actually some very important stuff in here)

first and somewhat foremost, i submitted SEVEN college applications exactly a month ago. for context, my entire applying list (as of right now) is only nine schools. and i procrastinated SO HARD on the application materials.... it was soooo bad. basically mid october to early november was the most stressed i have ever felt in recent memory 😁👍 and i coped with it soooo well, as i historically always do (sarcasm)

the fall play(s) also recently came and went!!! the rehearsal process wasnt that bad, it was moreso just anxiety provoking since i was constantly saying "yeah it (the show) will come together eventually" even when opening night was a few days away... but the show(s) did come together!! at least, my two scenes did. i honestly can't speak for anyone else, but my scenes both went fine during all three performances with minor errors, if any

although, the week of performances and the last few days of tech was so very brutal. i had to be in the theater until 8pm or later every single day of that week (november 18th to the 23rd), which meant i was in school for over twelve hours each school day. i had to put a lot of things on the backburner to focus on the show (and not losing my mind) that week, and schoolwork was one of them.... so i am currently once again in overdue assignments hell. my classes have been fine other than that though!!!

my mental, emotional, and physical health also definitely have been on the backburner for a WHILE now.... a wonderful example is how i havent seen my therapist in two months now, and for context, im supposed to see her once a week!!! so im clearly doing fine (sarcasm). its weird though, the play honestly wasnt that distressing for me, since i had already hit mental rock bottom earlier that month because of college applications

my physical health has also Not Been Good at all.... one of my scenes in the play (the gay one) involved a shit ton of stage falls.... and our stage is made of polished wood. we took all the necessary precautions to protect my bad knee (knee pads), but that didnt do much to prevent the ridiculous amount of bruising all over my body that i still have a week after the final show.....

eating has also been Bad. but i wont go into details about that 🫶 ive been able to keep having regular appointments with my dietitian, so genuinely dont worry about that. i will be fine!!

ive also been like. mentally checked out for a while, i guess. like i mentioned, ive been doing some research into dissociative disorders and symptoms to get more clarity on if im a system or not (which i do have an answer on btw), and i think the best term to describe it is depersonalization?

and uh. okay this is actually really important. about the system thing, i came to the conclusion after a LOT of research and self reflection that i do not think i am (or ever was) a plural system. i dont think i should post the entire esaay i wrote on how i came to this conclusion (because i dont think most of you want to read all that). but if any mutuals want, i am MORE than happy to dm the whole explanation, since i know it might raise some eyebrows that i suddenly dont identify that way anymore

however, the tldr is that im pretty sure i have dissociative amnesia instead, because i never once experienced amnesia between the personas that i thought were alters, and these personas were never really that separate from me, moreso extensions of me in terms of personality, if that makes sense. there were also some.... quirks of how my "system" operated that also made me suspicious, like how i was basically always frontstuck, and how my "frequent fronters" ALWAYS aligned with my interests at the time. i honestly think that i only arrived at the conclusion that i was a system in the first place because of the environment i was in at the time (the majority my friends at the time had the system realization and were talking about it), and the fact that no one ever really questioned me being one. which im NOT saying that i wish people had, since thats rightfully a very rude thing to do, but i definitely would have benefited from someone kindly calling all that into question, yknow?

the biggest takeaway though, should be that i didnt know until very recently. there is a world of difference between intentionally lying about being a system, and unknowingly being wrong about being a system. the MOMENT i started to suspect that i was wrong, i made it known here (in the previous Life Update) and on twitter, and i refrained from using any system terminology for myself until i came to a definitive conclusion, which i only did recently. additionally, i recently removed the system section from my pronouns dot cc, and my simplyplural account is still up, but obviously not in use

ummm. other personal updates.... im hopefully going to start legal and medical transition soon?? my stepsister (also trans) has been pushing my mom and stepdad for it as a result of the election, which sparks the conversation for me by extension

as you can probably tell by the majority of the recent reblogs, the release of season 2 reawakened my dormant arcane hyperfixation 😭 it somehow came back even stronger??? if any of you happen to remember my jayvik posting from november 2021, you deserve a spacesymbol elders discount....

what else..... oh um!!!! i had an awesome joe cool (snoopy) costume for halloween this year that i made extremely last minute :)

okay. okay!!!!!!! in terms of the future!!!! im on thanksgiving break right now until this tuesday and the break is Extremely welcome.... the spring musical (aka my final high school theater show) has already been announced, and its curtains, which should be exciting, but i dont have to think about that for a While....

in terms of like Immediately upcoming things, my schools robotics team has our first qualifier coming up so im gonna have to lock in on preparing for that soon.... for college stuff, i should be getting two decisions fairly soon (one from my early decision school and one from a rolling deadlines school), and i have two more applications for early january, but all i really have to do for them is finish writing their supplements..... so HOPEFULLY i should be slightly more active on here??? i feel like every time i say that i end up jinxing myself for inactivity, though. so honestly, who knows!!! but i dont really have as much of a Pressing Reason to not be active here, i guess

thats all.... jesus fuck i wrote a lot. my bad!!! no wonder i procrastinated writing this GODDAMN!!!!

[blackbirdsinmypie]

sooo much i want to talk about. hmm i was going to write most of it in my journal but i'm short on time so i'll type it instead. v long so it's under a read more:

the project is over and it was a success! some stumbles here and there, but overall, we did really well. so proud of everyone for this one!

thank you to our project managers and my academic team manager in particular. you guys are the real MVPs! you gave 110% of yourselves this entire project and i appreciate it so so much, you're my inspirations hahaha.

spend a wonderfulllll few days with a beloved friend of five years! i wrote a poem for her a few weeks ago, it's on here somewhere. i'm so so glad to have been able to spend time with her after so long. she's a very dear friend to me and her presence literally lights up a room. <3

had a panic attack lol. this was the not so great part. that's literally never happened to me before, esp. not in public. i was hyperventilating, sweating, my hands were tingling, i was crying and i couldn't stop for the life of me, and i was really disoriented. and all of this right in the main room, in front of everyone. i don't know why it had to happen right there and then. sooooo embarrassing :< the trigger was the fact that i missed out on the group photo but that's such a stupid fucking thing to have a panic attack over - i think it was more the combo of the stress + lack of sleep + the constant performativity of teaching in front of so many people (including my lovely classmates!) + the myriad of mental health problems i am currently dealing with, and that little thing - the missing out on the group photo for a project that i've worked so hard for (also fucking w/ my dormant abandonment issues) - was the straw that broke the camel's back, in a way. and i just had a full blown panic attack in the main room in front of my classmates and juniors and everyone. so embarrassing :<

thank you so so much to my lovely friends for taking such good care of me and helping me through it!!! i appreciate it so much. they really did try their best to soothe me. i'm so lucky to have such kind and caring friends in my life.

thinking back, i should have gone somewhere quiet, sat down, and tried to control my breathing. seems pretty logical. but i didn't realise i was having a panic attack at the time - i just thought i was feeling particularly emotional for some reason and i needed to will myself into calming the fuck down. but a panic attack is such a physical thing, you can't really stand there and mentally force yourself to stop shaking and hyperventilating. but i didn't know what to do. i just stood there and hyperventilated and tried so so hard to stop crying. i promise i was trying so hard. i couldn't stop. i'm so embarrassed about it.

i talked to everyone after the event had ended - i was still coming down from my panic attack at that point and my voice was shaky and i was still sort of holding back tears. i should have gone somewhere quiet and waited until it was over before talking to anyone. but i talked to everyone and gave them my thanks and told them how incredible they were and how much i appreciated their work. i wonder if i made anyone uncomfortable - i was still visibly upset at this point, but i was trying my hardest to be composed. i should have waited. i really hope i didn't make anyone too uncomfortable. but i meant what i said. am i overthinking things again? i've been overthinking a lot recently. it's not good for me.

but everyone was so supportive, which i'm incredibly grateful for. you guys are the best.

some of the juniors asked for my contact info after the event. it was embarrassing facing them like three minutes after the worst of the panic attack had passed, tears in my eyes, voice wobbling and breathing still weird. like fuck!!!! i'm supposed to be an inspiration and a role model for these kids!!! and here i am fucking. having a breakdown in front of them!!! AHHHHH!!!!! v embarrassing but it's okay. it's no biggie. fuckkkkkkkk

we went for dinner afterwards. drank a glass of beer - icky!!! i don't like the taste of hops. i'll stick to fun cocktails in the future. everyone seemed very surprised/ecstatic that i was drinking though. i felt like britney spears singing oops i did it again - "i'm not that innocent" lol.

slept at my friend's hotel room. it was so nice being with her - she brings out the loud side of me that i haven't seen in a while. i love it.

also all my friends and a lot of the juniors said that i did a really great job w teaching my topics! political philosophy and public administration are both tricky, but i hope i made it at least a little more interesting than reading out of a textbook. i'm proud of myself for this one.

all in all - i have been on quite the emotional rollercoaster these past few days. but i'm glad to have been a part of this project. it's brought me a lot closer to a my classmates and i'm beyond grateful for that.

hope that panic attack doesn't happen again though. because what the fuck was that

[lettherebetboys]

FIVE MONTHS ON T 5️⃣5️⃣5️⃣🖐️💪‼️‼️‼️

yayyyy tea 🫖 here’s my five month update on low dose!!

dosage: three weeks ago, i upped it to 30mg per week! (from 20mg/week)

voice: cracks are about the same frequency when speaking normally/in chest voice, but even more frequent in my singing/head voice/falsetto. my voice breaks and gets tired very very easily. cough drops and throat coat tea are my best friend

it’s a little weird cause my speaking voice sits noticeably lower, but i’m still speaking as high as i always have just out of muscle memory!!! it’s always very surprising to me when i try to talk lower and realize just how much more comfortable it is. i was working on speaking lower a few days ago and my friend commented on it! she asked if i had started T and said i sounded like i did!!! (i lied and said no cause we aren’t close like that but i did tell her that it was really nice to hear and meant a lot!!!)

another full step lost on my upper range (dropped down to a Gb5) and another full step or two gained on my lower range (down to a B2!!!!!!!!!! woah!) singing lower/in my chest voice feels even more resonant and comfortable!!!!! i really like singing low. it gives me this same low rumbly warmth that bass drums give me. it’s a really nice sensation

physical changes: bottom growth slowed but still happening, and it’s a lot more physically as well as sensationally noticeable when i’m hard which happens WAY TOO MUCH for NO REASON. like i wont even be emotionally invested sometimes i will just Have A Boner for no reason. it’s uncomfortable but kinda gender euphoric so i don’t mind

i think a bit of fat has redistributed from my chest to my waist area! i only needed 2 pieces of trans tape to bind the other day when i usually need 3 to get the same effect. and my waist looks a little less ⌛️ than it used to. i never had the most like DEFINED hourglass (and i hide it under my clothes anyway) but it was definitely the most accurate way to describe my body type. and now it is becoming more rectangle ish. we are not fully there yet but this is cool

the hair on my stomach is getting darker and moving further up, and the hair on my thighs/upper back/sides of face is getting a little darker and fuzzier!!!

cheeks are still puffy but my jawline is a bit sharper than last month! and the veins on my hands/arms/neck are more noticeable.

IM SO FUCKIFNF HUNGRY. IM SO GUNRURHDHDHJD. my mouth is a black hole. i crave chicken and meat. Raw tuna. Raw red meat. man meat. meat for men. hungry all the damn time. i never even really GOT hunger cues before T

mental health: we are doing ok! very vacillating recently i’m kinda like, very content one minute and borderline suicidal the next? been under a lot of stress. but a lot of good things have been happening. so this makes sense. still haven’t fully cried since before T and i really really hate that

i am allllwwwaayysss looking forward to Tuesday and getting sad when it’s not Tuesday. i love taking my t i love the ritual i love what it’s doing i love it all!!!!!

[spaceorphan18]

I'm just thinking out loud about things, please don't mind me.

I have a tendency to only blog about my life when it's going badly, and I mean it makes sense - in that sometimes you want to have a space to kind of think out loud and let it out. I'm sure most sane people journal or talk to a bff. I vent to an audience of strangers on the internet. Because I'm weird like that.

But, here's the thing, I'm not doing badly this time! Really, this is the sanest I've felt in a long time, and it's probably due to the fact that I've actually let myself rest (and got one part of my living space picked up). But I do have a lot of things on my mind, so this is me just kind of word vomiting about things kind of as an update as to where my life is at.

On Health: I think the tricky thing this year has been more my physical health than the mental. I'm mentally in a much better place than I was a year ago, and that's great. Now I have to get the physical side back in shape. I've had to run through different kinds of medication lately, and I think things might be straightened out? Also, I was sick most of last week, which didn't help. But I feel decent now - and I'm really hoping it'll stay that way, because I'm just so tired of not feeling well.

On Work: Work as been a lot. We fired the woman who was giving us problems - for anyone who wondered how that whole thing turned out. There's a lot of change happening, and some drama - which I've been grateful I have not been a part of. It's a lot. It's always a lot a lot a lot, but it's not Indiana. As hard and stressful as things can get here... it's not Indiana.

On Glee Things: Now that I'm kind of in a better mental space about it -- I think it'll be best if I just take a step back from any kind of community related thing. I think the thing I keep coming back to me is that Glee is just a part of me now. It's been with me for so long that it's very personal and between the weird up rising of fans who really are only seeing things in Black and White and the obtuse-ness of K and J's podcast sometimes I just can't with it anymore.

The tournament is going to play out quickly and then I'm done with that. Yes, I'm still writing. Yes, I'll still say my thoughts about the things Darren said. No, I'm never really going to go anywhere.

But I don't really want to be a part of the large fandom anymore.

That said -- I think what else has been bothering me is the fact that I miss so many people. The community that I was a part of just doesn't seem to be there anymore. And, I mean, I get it -- lots of people move on. Lots of people are busy. And there are a few of you that have been around and aren't going anywhere, either, and I do see you! But sometimes I wonder if I've come full circle in that I'm talking into an empty void again.

On X-Men things: Meanwhile, guys. I have a lot of thoughts. Marvel has always had a yo-yo effect on me, and I just have gone down the rabbit hole again. It's making me happy, and breaking my heart in the best possible way, and still making me happy. I apologize up front, because there are going to be a lot of X-Men things coming. (As usual, i'll tag it all)

On Reading: Idk, I just want to read more. I have a huge pile of things to read. And I just want to be more consistent about it.

On taking a freakin' break: My vacation is two weeks away. I'm going to take the pressure off myself and just let myself have a break, because I think that's what I really need.

Thankfully, it's spring, and this is my absolute favorite time of year as it gets warmer out.

Don't be a stranger, guys, I do love talking to all of you.

(And eventually, i'll get that queue going again.)

<3 <3

[the-path-inside]

16 Questions // Tagged by @inlovewetrust555

Are you named after anyone? My parents told me I was named after Matthew from the bible even though they're atheists. I think that was just to satisfy my teachers though since I went to a really religious first school and it was my school asking the question 😂

When was the last time you cried? A couple of weeks ago. Last time I felt like I wanted to was a few days ago though, but lately I find it hard to cry? It's like I just can't start.

Do you have kids? Nope. I can barely manage my own life nevermind looking after and guiding a little person.

What sports do you play/ Have you played? I used to play tennis (badly) as a kid. The only things I've played recently aren't even physical sports but chess (badly) and poker (decently).

Do you use sarcasm? Sometimes.

What is the first thing you notice about people? Their voices. I have a horrible time making eye contact unless I'm really attracted to someone, so I tend to notice the sound of their voice before their physical appearance.

What's your eye color? Hazel but unless you take a close up photo they may as well be green there's so little brown in them.

Scary movies or happy endings? That's tough. Depends on my mood I guess I'm a sucker for both. I would say I've overall watched more scary movies though.

Any talents? I'd say I'm pretty naturally good at poker, which is weird because I suck at math. That's about it though other than maybe looking on the bright side/seeing the positive in negative situations?

Where were you born? England.

What are your hobbies? I meditate, work out, read, play video games, write, listen to music and collect a stupid amount of headphones.

Do you have any pets? Two dogs and a cat. Mutuals can ask to see them :)

How tall? 5'7 I be short.

Favorite subject in school? Chemistry or english lit.

Dream job? I'd love to either be a therapist or design new medications for mental health issues that are more effective than the ones we have now. Neither of those is very likely though at this point of my current trajectory.

What animals do you identify as your familiar? Either cats or birds. I love both.

I haven't been on here in a while so I'm not sure who's still active on here so I'll just tag a handful of people, feel free to ignore this if you don't feel like responding, and feel free to hop in and join in on this even if I didn't tag you. Tagging @illuminfae-ix @s0urce--flow @destined-daydreamer @balancedhuman @vajrakali @planetaerium